Selling Yourself - Profiles 101

Your profile or ad is all you are. Make it count.

In the course of hunting for prospective flings online, my co-author and I have become adept at reading, parsing, and frankly laughing our asses off at the things that people feel the need to say about themselves in their online profiles. But instead of capturing screenshots and pointing and laughing (which I will have to admit was my first instinct in writing this post), I'll instead walk through a few of the bigger mistakes that we see people make.

The central thing that you need to realize is that the old chestnut about first impressions not only holds true in the online world - it's pretty much the only thing going. Your profile or ad is the one and only thing that a potential fuckbunny is guaranteed to know about you before making a decision as to whether to spend their time pursuing you. You have about 30 seconds, the average amount of time that it takes someone to form an informed opinion, to make your case before the sea of cock shots and Craigslist ads washes you away. You need to make it count.

Your cock is not a selling point.

Shocking, I know. And certainly not universal, if you've been graced with a fucking obelisk of manmeat. However, for at least 90% of you reading this column, (2 standard deviations (0.825") from the mean of about 5.8") - your dick is not only nothing to write home about, but it's not even all that interesting. In the rough sample of women whom I have spoken to about this topic, absolutely none have mentioned the obligatory cock shot as the selling point for deciding to go ahead and message someone. None. Got that?

So what should you have as a picture? If you've got the body for it, shirtless appears to be popular, but if that's the case, add at least one other picture of something other than your chest. Understanding anonymity, you may want to take one that doesn't feature a mugshot, but then we start to get into the risk/reward matrix - remember, you're engaging in risky behavior. If you want plausible deniability, use a picture of you that's publically accessible and you can claim was swiped.

Mention your situation. Don't bitch about it.

I see this more from the ladies, but it's certainly prevalent on either side of the gender divide. Yes, your husband/wife/boyfriend sucks. Yes, you've encountered total assholes who played "mind games". Yes, there are a lot of pitfalls in attempting to hook up with someone whose genitals and brain are equally pleasing via the Interwebs.

Do not spend your entire profile going through this litany.

Everyone's heard it, everyone understands it, and you're not adding value to yourself by going through it again. In fact, by letting everyone who views your profile hear all this crap, you're letting them know that you're going to instantly compare them to every other person who has come before. Sexual experience is like a warm toilet seat - it's nice when you have it, but no one wants to think about who's been there before them. It's damn hard, but you have to give a clean slate to new prospects. It may only be a foot of rope, but true assholes will hang themselves from the shower bar with just that little bit.

Don't be a fixer-upper.

This is a separate topic, but your torrid affair is not going to "complete you". Appearing needy and desperate is about as far from a turn-on as you can get without actively shitting on someone's chest. You may feel needy and desperate - but it's not a selling point. It's the thing you're trying to remedy by bringing someone else into your life.

Bragging about sexual performance is a bad idea.

You might be able to get a woman to meow in bed, or get a guy to spend his nickels with your well-toned Kegel muscles, but going on about this in your profile is off-putting and pointless. First of all, it sets up expectations that frankly, you might not be able to meet.

Second, your tried-and-true clit sucking method might not work on whoever you find yourself with next, and you're going to be out of luck. You're much better off talking about listening to people's bodies, being versatile, generous and patient. I know, very Mr. Rogers - but ask any woman. No, go ahead. I'll wait.

Be clear and honest about what you're looking for.

If you just want one-night stands and don't have the time or capacity for anything more, be fucking honest about it from the get-go. Similarly, if you're looking for a deeper connection with one person, be sure to set that expectation up front, because someone looking for a lighter commitment is going to freak when you start talking about running off to Fiji together.

That's not to say you can't be open to different experiences, but you shouldn't throw a bunch of crap into your profile to cast a wider net. Mostly because you'll wind up snagging people who aren't in the same head space and wasting everyone's time.

Honesty. I know, right?

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