Know your limits, and make sure your playmates know theirs.

Ironic as it may seem, if you're going about your affair with any sort of intent, you need to understand and respect your level of commitment to it.

Don't over commit yourself

This is the easier mistake to make, particularly when you're first getting involved with someone. You want to make the best of a good thing, and certainly don't want to disappoint your new playmate by turning down an offer for a slutty rendezvous, handjob breakfast, or a weekend in the Hamptons.

The problem comes when you have every intention of making something happen, but the rest of your life gets in the way, and you have to flake - usually at the last minute. So be realistic about how and when you can get together, and put that on the table. Sure, there's every chance your new 27 year old fuckmate with nothing else to do on a Friday night may be disappointed. May go fuck one of her just-barely-out-of-the-frat friends instead of waiting for you.

First of all, remind yourself that there are worse consequences than that. Then remind yourself that in order to play safe, you're playing smart. One too many "stuck at the office again" excuses on a Friday night is the stupid way to go about fucking around.

Be honest with yourself, at the very least, about what sort of time you can give to a fuckfriend.

The heart wants what it wants.

This is the other kind of commitment that we need to talk about, and it's the harder of the two in terms of quantifying and in moderating. So let's get something out of the way: Unless you're a douchebag automaton, you're going to get emotionally involved with your playmate. If "involved" gives you hives, then try "entangled".

This is one of the consequences we talked about earlier, and remember what I said then: if you're fucking someone who doesn't appreciate the fact that there are consequences - run, don't walk. This person is going to step on your life eventually. Involvement is wholly natural, entirely expected, and possibly unwanted. That works fine if you’re both in the same place: if all that both of you want is to screw each other into oblivion, so be it. Problems arise when one of you wants to get in deeper and the other doesn’t.

All that said, you need to be very fucking honest with yourself about how deep down the rabbit hole you're ultimately willing to go with someone. Naturally, this might change on contact with someone new - but knowing the baseline is important.

Discretion and Limits

Another limitation that She and I have come up against in our fuckery are the boundaries set by discretion, and the desire for anonymity. Not wanting to be seen in public with your playmate (or them not wanting to chance being seen with you) can set limits on what you can do together, and ultimately may set a limit on the lifespan of the fun and games.

While absolutely destroying the linens in a hotel room is most assuredly something I applaud, there's usually more to the desire to screw around than just the need for a new shape and size of cock, or the willingness to take it up the ass. The best sex always comes with an emotional payload, sorry to say, and you can't build that charge up with just oral expertise. Other shared experiences build the argot of passion that is then expressed during sex. The brain is the most important sex organ, and shouldn’t be discounted.

Selling Yourself - Profiles 101

Your profile or ad is all you are. Make it count.

In the course of hunting for prospective flings online, my co-author and I have become adept at reading, parsing, and frankly laughing our asses off at the things that people feel the need to say about themselves in their online profiles. But instead of capturing screenshots and pointing and laughing (which I will have to admit was my first instinct in writing this post), I'll instead walk through a few of the bigger mistakes that we see people make.

The central thing that you need to realize is that the old chestnut about first impressions not only holds true in the online world - it's pretty much the only thing going. Your profile or ad is the one and only thing that a potential fuckbunny is guaranteed to know about you before making a decision as to whether to spend their time pursuing you. You have about 30 seconds, the average amount of time that it takes someone to form an informed opinion, to make your case before the sea of cock shots and Craigslist ads washes you away. You need to make it count.

Your cock is not a selling point.

Shocking, I know. And certainly not universal, if you've been graced with a fucking obelisk of manmeat. However, for at least 90% of you reading this column, (2 standard deviations (0.825") from the mean of about 5.8") - your dick is not only nothing to write home about, but it's not even all that interesting. In the rough sample of women whom I have spoken to about this topic, absolutely none have mentioned the obligatory cock shot as the selling point for deciding to go ahead and message someone. None. Got that?

So what should you have as a picture? If you've got the body for it, shirtless appears to be popular, but if that's the case, add at least one other picture of something other than your chest. Understanding anonymity, you may want to take one that doesn't feature a mugshot, but then we start to get into the risk/reward matrix - remember, you're engaging in risky behavior. If you want plausible deniability, use a picture of you that's publically accessible and you can claim was swiped.

Mention your situation. Don't bitch about it.

I see this more from the ladies, but it's certainly prevalent on either side of the gender divide. Yes, your husband/wife/boyfriend sucks. Yes, you've encountered total assholes who played "mind games". Yes, there are a lot of pitfalls in attempting to hook up with someone whose genitals and brain are equally pleasing via the Interwebs.

Do not spend your entire profile going through this litany.

Everyone's heard it, everyone understands it, and you're not adding value to yourself by going through it again. In fact, by letting everyone who views your profile hear all this crap, you're letting them know that you're going to instantly compare them to every other person who has come before. Sexual experience is like a warm toilet seat - it's nice when you have it, but no one wants to think about who's been there before them. It's damn hard, but you have to give a clean slate to new prospects. It may only be a foot of rope, but true assholes will hang themselves from the shower bar with just that little bit.

Don't be a fixer-upper.

This is a separate topic, but your torrid affair is not going to "complete you". Appearing needy and desperate is about as far from a turn-on as you can get without actively shitting on someone's chest. You may feel needy and desperate - but it's not a selling point. It's the thing you're trying to remedy by bringing someone else into your life.

Bragging about sexual performance is a bad idea.

You might be able to get a woman to meow in bed, or get a guy to spend his nickels with your well-toned Kegel muscles, but going on about this in your profile is off-putting and pointless. First of all, it sets up expectations that frankly, you might not be able to meet.

Second, your tried-and-true clit sucking method might not work on whoever you find yourself with next, and you're going to be out of luck. You're much better off talking about listening to people's bodies, being versatile, generous and patient. I know, very Mr. Rogers - but ask any woman. No, go ahead. I'll wait.

Be clear and honest about what you're looking for.

If you just want one-night stands and don't have the time or capacity for anything more, be fucking honest about it from the get-go. Similarly, if you're looking for a deeper connection with one person, be sure to set that expectation up front, because someone looking for a lighter commitment is going to freak when you start talking about running off to Fiji together.

That's not to say you can't be open to different experiences, but you shouldn't throw a bunch of crap into your profile to cast a wider net. Mostly because you'll wind up snagging people who aren't in the same head space and wasting everyone's time.

Honesty. I know, right?


Don't be negative.

Generally speaking, people stray because of some negative emotion: fear, anger, resentment or loneliness. To some extent, the start of all fucking around is born in a seed of negativity. What you don't want to do - what you shouldn't do - is throw that negativity around like confetti.

Looking for a lover is a positive step, or at least it should be. A fresh start. A new adventure. Of course, there's every likelihood that this relationship will also have its up and downs - that's humanity for you. Starting off on that footing, however, is a sure way to never get started at all. You see it all the time in the profiles and ads that are the common currency of looking for a fuckfriend online: DDF or DDDF, or simply: NO DRAMA.

Let's be honest - does anyone really want the opposite? "Please, come into my life, boil my rabbit and try to skewer me through the testicles!" It's pretty much a given that if someone's going to be a drama queen (or king!), they're not going to advertise it up front. I'LL FUCK UP YOUR LIFE is not a popular title on Craigslist for a reason.

So let's talk about mroe subtle forms of negativity, and how to avoid them in your own communications with your intended cheatmate.

Don't complain about your current situation.

You're in a bar with a woman who looks amazing in that retro dress, can drink and swear you under the table, and whose eyes flash like sapphires when she smiles.

Why the fuck are you spending your time with her complaining about how your wife hasn't given you a decent blowjob in 10 years? Shouldn't you be concentrating on letting her know how goddamn appreciative you'd be if she'd fellate you?

Sure, there's a time and place for discussing your situations - everyone's curious why someone else is out in the field - but don't make it the centerpiece of your conversation, in email and especially not in person.

Don't accuse people of head games.

I've seen this one a couple of times, and so has She. You're corresponding with someone, perhaps at a rapid clip, when someone calls, or you suddenly need to take an extremely urgent shit. Maybe it struck just after you promised to take a picture of your clit and send it Mr. Amazing.

To Mr. Amazing: This isn't a head game. This is life.

If something like this happens: there's a minor break in communications or one missed date/phone call? Fucking relax. Get a drink. Masturbate. There may be a perfectly good reason for what happened, and starting right off the bat with "What, we all done talking?" is a great way to ensure that Ms. Amazing gets the message that you're a bit of a needfreak, and insecure about your ability to hold her attention.

You sent your response to her, so give her a chance to either pick up the thread later, or start a new one. Feel free to send another message during the course of the day or evening, but don't press any points. Just talk like a normal human being.

Of course, people may just drop off the radar as well - such is life. But the fewer messages you send chasing after, the better.

Don't swing your dick.

This is negativity in a more aggressive vein - bragging about your ability to eat pussy and/or your golf handicap, and telling a woman she's guaranteed to scream her head off with you is a form domination: meant to impress, but really beside the point. Usually this comes from overcompensation: your wife doesn't fuck you, and you know you can fuck like John Holmes on crack, so obviously you need to inform everyone who comes along of the point.

Discovery is one of the true joys of screwing around - finding new people to enjoy, and new ways to enjoy them. Starting off with the macho stance (and ladies, I don't mean to leave you out of this discussion - maybe I'll have a note to add from Her after I publish this) stunts that sense of discovery and actually puts you on the defensive - having to live up to something that you could have just quietly surprised your fuckbunny with in the first place.

When you're out looking for a lover, you're starting something new, even if its born out of something old, and possibly some real, honest pain. Dumping that pain on prospects not only doesn't help your case, but builds on the negative spiral. Take each new email, ad response or meeting as a fresh start, and you'll have a much better time of it.

~ Him

Security 101

Since the creation of genitals, the greatest thing to happen to adulterers is the invention of the smartphone. It's your own personal communication hub that you carry on your person, dissociated from any one time, place and potential interference from middle-men. No more passing phone calls through curious secretaries, no more mysterious hang-ups at home.

All of that, assuming you have a mobile phone made in the current century, comes packaged up with apps for services like Dropbox that you can use to send naughty pictures, or your filthy thoughts in your own recorded voice.

Having said all of that, there's absolutely nothing about your new electronic wingman that keeps you from being a complete fucking idiot with it. A tool is only as good as the person wielding it, and you can torch yourself just as easily with a careless call to a cell as you can by showing up at your playmate's workplace in bondage gear with a whip shoved up your ass.

Just like everything else about the successful affair, there are rules and practical guidelines to follow to avoid the day when you get your phone thrown at your face by an angry spouse. I'm going to include general communication practices as well.

The Rules

Rule 1: Set a unique password or passcode.

If you just read the sentence above and slapped your forehead, turn in your phone and hang your head in shame. And don't set just any password or passcode - make it something that you don't use anywhere else. This is the key to the kingdom we're talking about - if someone can get into your phone or computer, they can see everything, so don't let it happen. You should also set your phone to auto-lock when you sleep it or after 1 minute, and you should always lock it before you set it down. Just make it a habit. Text girlfriend, lock phone, set down. Repeat.

Rule 2: Use uninteresting codewords.

Your contact card for your playmate shouldn't be their real name (unless they're also a friend or acquaintance you can explain - more about that in another post), and it also shouldn't be something flamingly obvious like MY FUCKBUNNY, as funny as I find that. Either pick a pseudonym you'll remember, or a simple phrase with meaning to you and your fuckbunny, but no one else. This way, when a text or other message appears on your phone's lock screen from "Dubuque Municipal" when your spouse picks it up, there's no sudden panic.

Rule 3: Minimize channels.

Don't conduct your dirty business on several devices. If at all possible, keep it restricted to one, and make that one your smartphone. Invest in a nice one, treat it well, and learn how to use it effectively.

The same goes for apps on that device - establish one or two means of regular contact (text, email, Skype, whatever) and stick to it. Try whenever possible to make that channel for your slutty partner only. Don't have a Skype account where your wife's contact is right next to everyone else's. If there's no one else to accidentally tap and send a message about the current state of your cock to, there's no chance of a message going astray and causing questions.

Rule 4: Take it, send it, delete it.

When you take a picture, and who doesn't want to send the occassional upskirt of themselves to an appreciative eye, take the picture, send it along to your playmate, then delete it off your phone. If you're intent on making a library of such things, use a service like Dropbox and observe the same protocol: take the picture of your cock, upload it, and delete it. Make sure that folder or app is double-protected by another password as well.

Rule 5: Don't play in mixed company.

This one is more difficult, because inspiration may strike at a moment's notice and suddenly you're telling your slutty friend about how much you want to throw them against a wall and maul them, and then your spouse or kids walk into the room. Don't finish the message, don't start dancing around like a loon trying to make sure no one can see the screen, because you look like an idiot - and idiot with something to hide.

Turn off the phone, set it down, and pay attention. Your filth will still be there when you get another opportunity to finish your thought.


Being smart doesn't come naturally to a lot of people, and that's why those people get caught. But you don't have to be smart to be safe - you need to make rules, follow those rules, and not break those rules without an actual reason, backed by an actual thought process. People don't get caught in their adultery because of the filthy things they do with other people (unless you're being extra stupid about sexual health and safety, a whole other topic). Adulterers get caught because of a breach in the flow of information, usually made because they started taking the privacy of that information for granted, and over-estimated their own cleverness.

Say it with me:

Don't get cocky.

~ Him

Play nice.

The decision to become an adulterer shouldn't be one that's undertaken lightly. Fucking around on your spouse carries with it all sorts of consequences: mental, physical and financial, that need to be understood and accepted. Despite all the fun and heart-pounding excitement that can come with having sex with someone new, there are responsibilities as well.

So right off the bat, here's how you know if your potential fuckmate is a shitty choice: they don't understand consequences. And if you're reading this and don't understand what I mean by consequences, you're the shitty one.

This isn't a blog where we're going to be teaching you how to find the person to screw around with, or encouraging you to go out and screw other people. There are plenty of other places to find the information, the conscience-appeasing rationale, and willing participants.

What my co-author (Her) and I (Him) will be discussing here are some very basic pieces of etiquette that you and your newly found friend should observe to make sure that you both have a good time, stay safe, and avoid dropping a hand grenade into your life and the lives of those around you.

Because that, my friend, is a dick move.

~ Him